6/19/23 – acceptance

it’s said acceptance is the first step to healing from trauma, but it’s also the last stage of grief.

i still can’t believe i grew up in a place that literally asked me to call boys my age “master”, simply because they randomly received a Y-chromosome when they were conceived. it’s so absurd, so wildly not of these times, that part of me can’t wrap my head around the fact that this happened in the 21st century.

imagine a thirteen-year-old girl having to call her male peers “master”! that’s insane, right? i can’t believe i went through that.

not everything is as blatantly wrong as that (and even at that time, it didn’t feel blatant, it was just mildly unsettling). sometimes it’s just definitely wrong, but spoken in gentle words. painful, but a dull ache that maybe, if i focused my attention elsewhere, would go away.

i wrote college essays about how people in my community, particularly my church, weren’t encouraging to me about my career ambitions. how they were perfectly happy to let a young girl’s dreams die, how perfectly easy it was to dismiss my hard work and passions and cheer on other girls who fit their ideals of a woman better. i wrote a personal statement about this for a homework assignment, trying to speak of this trauma in detached terms, hoping if i told this story enough and how i kept going it wouldn’t hurt anymore.

it’s hard to express how painful something like this is. especially when it’s an unspoken, or whispered, kind of discrimination. when it happened to me i almost didn’t believe it; it’s shocking and confusing, and really demoralizing. obviously, i didn’t let them stop me, and i am not wallowing in the pain they inflicted upon me. i think i’m facing it, now.

for the longest time i tried to push away the negative emotions that this brought up, thinking if i worked harder i could “win” out of spite. but it’s caught up to me at various times throughout the first year of college, and i realize i need to talk about this.

today, i allow myself to feel all the rage and hurt and confusion over not receiving the encouragement i wanted from people who share my faith and community. i am not trying to convince anyone to change their deep-rooted cultural beliefs, but this is a space for me to ramble and acknowledge that this was, indeed, traumatic.

church, i’ve struggled with feeling like i was not enough of a woman for you, when women i thought i could call leaders brushed me aside to praise other girls who fit into their feminine stereotypes better, when girls i hoped to be friends with decided i didn’t fit in with them. i received less congratulations over my graduation and major choice than others and it hurt. i received blank stares and bitterness when i explained what i wanted to do with my life. i’ve walked through church grounds trying to suppress shivers from your cold shoulders, i’ve had panic attacks in church bathroom stalls fearing the next conversation about what i’d do after high school, i’ve avoided you because i didn’t want to be treated like an alien, and i walked out of youth group on my last day before i left for college relieved, because i wouldn’t have to deal with you again.

but i am assured that God loves me and that i am a woman enough for Him. i’ve learned that the way i dress, the way i act, the way i choose to keep myself financially afloat in the future is not what makes me a woman. whether i end up marrying a man or not, i am not any less of a woman. how i was treated—it does not define me. it does not mean there are no christians or churches out there who are excited and happy for me. i am a woman of Christ, and He loves me and i love Him and that is all that matters.

i don’t believe any of this was committed out of pure hatred or malice, but it was maybe out of jealousy or fear. i hope the people who did this to me know that we need to uplift one another, and that a woman’s life choices are not a threat to a man’s, or another woman’s.

to the girls out there: whether you desire to marry and stay home, to have children or not, to choose a part-time job or a full-time job, to stay single, to wait a while before dating, to choose a stereotypically feminine career, or to not—your life choices are beautiful and amazing and inspiring and God uses you in each and every one of these possibilities. we are not in competition with one another! we are not less godly for choosing one path or another! God gave us free will and empathy and intelligence and skills and hobbies and loves and missions and passions for a reason—to take them up as tools to use for His glory.

no calling is any less than another. i’m so, so proud to be an engineer. i’m so proud to explore the heavens God created, so proud to be a girl who calls Jesus her Savior and Lord and design spacecraft. i’m so proud to represent His name where i am. church, i don’t need your support or your encouragement but i would really like it. i’ll be honest, it’s not necessary but i think it would be something a family of Christ would do.

i would love you to share in my joy, because it’s truly a glorious thing and i don’t want to keep it to myself!

i have accepted that you hurt me. i have accepted that it’s not okay, and that it’s fine for me to hurt about this. i have accepted that this healing may not be linear and it may not be neat. it will be messy and recursive, but i know that even if you didn’t accept me, God always accepted me.

p.s. thank you to my parents and my sister and for the select few for always accepting me and loving me and championing me in all my ambitions; thanks for showing me a little bit of Christ and for always being there for me ❤