God is this kid

so God is this kid.

God is this kid who i held in my arms for the first time, and at that moment i thought as though it were a prophecy, “i’m going to let him down,” and he smiled at me.

God is this kid who looks at me with big eyes. God is this kid who wraps a hand around my wrist every chance he gets. God is this kid who trusts me. God is this kid who doesn’t let me go. God is this kid that follows me around everywhere, puts his arms around my waist. God is this kid who asks, “can i at least just watch?” if i don’t let him help me out in the kitchen.

God is this kid who trusted me and i left him at the train station. i told him “wait right here, i’ll be back in a moment,” and it’s been ten years and he’s still sitting on that bench, craning his neck to look through the windows of every train that passes. God is this kid who i left with two black eyes on the back porch with a bag of frozen peas pressed to his nose. God is this kid who went through life only wanting to know me. God is this kid i abandoned, God is this kid who keeps trying to find me.

God is this kid i neglected because i wanted my own thing. God is this kid who came home every night of his childhood to an empty house. God is this kid who told his friends about me with all joy and no contempt. God is this kid who reassures his friends that i’ll come home someday. he’s just waiting, still.

God is this kid who looked at me, hurt, but not accusatory when i screamed at him and told him he didn’t matter. when i told him i didn’t want him in my life, when i told him he ruined everything, when i told him it was all his fault. God is this kid who said “it’s okay” and tried to hug me when i said that and then i pushed him away. God is this kid who cries because he misses me. God is this kid who visits me in jail and says, “i got bail, mom, i’m gonna get you out.”

God is this kid i can’t stand. God is this kid who keeps running after me even when i’m an asshole, a jerk, downright cruel and dangerous to. God is this kid who went to the jailer and asked if he could swap sentences with me, made up new legal code when they said he couldn’t. God is this kid who doesn’t know how to quit. God is this kid i told, “i’m going to hurt you. i’m going to leave you. i’m going to disappoint you. hell, i’m even going to betray you.” and he said, “i love you.”

God is this kid i don’t deserve and never deserved. God is this kid who deserves someone better. God is this kid who says, “but i want you. all i want is you.”

God is this kid i abandoned on someone’s doorstep and thirty years later he hunted me down and found me, and the first thing out of his mouth was, “i’ve missed you so much.”